Travelling across the country!

I am in Seattle visiting with Chelsea and helping her get settled in, I am very happy for her. I think hanging out with her has been good, and it has helped me to learn more about myself.

I think I am learning more about who I want to be and how I want to live my life. I've enjoyed spending my time with her on the whole, but I have learned that we have different approaches to getting things done. I think I am learning that I do plan fairly well, not nearly as meticulously, but efficiently enough to make things work and then I let the chips fall where they so that I can enjoy myself. I could spend my life trying to make myself as meticulous as she is, or I could accept the ways that I do things, find what is successful for me and continue to do those things.

I am also learning the importance of self-acceptance - for me that means, accepting the fact that what works for her does not work for me. There is definitely a reason why she is where she is, and it is because she has learned what works for her in life.

I'd like to find what works for me. For instance, to find a hobby that I can participate in with others that makes me "come alive", so to speak, would be wonderful. Perhaps joining a glee club or choir of some sort would make me happy.

I am pretty certain that I am going in the right direction, by focusing on continuing my education. I am aware that I am accruing more student loan debt - and my plan is to rely on making use of extended payment plans and loan forgiveness options...I refuse to allow fear of student loan debt to paralyze me from furthering my education. I've also come to realize that I can't attach my self-worth to my occupation or a credential. They are merely qualifications.

Meeting Kim at the Japan House in Coeur D'Alene, Idaho was interesting. Perhaps he sensed my feeling "in-between-ness", for lack of proper grammar. This is a hurdle which I still have yet to fully clear - although I think the answer lies somewhere in between letting go, meaning letting go of labels, boxes, and worn out modes of thought (ex. ideas of blackness, gay-ness, etc.) and not caring what others think.

Underlying all of this is is the recognition that I need to create a solid sense of self, which I've come to realize, maybe I haven't always had....to clarify, I've always had a sense of self, but I haven't always built my sense of self on my own experiences and accomplishments - at times I've tried to live through others (friends, personal heroes), and perhaps to my own detriment. It's a HARD thing to admit to oneself, but a necessary admission nonetheless, and one which is a solid foundation to stand on and move forward from.

Interview, etc.

Today was the day I had an interview with the OVP at the University and I did pretty well, I should here back from them by the end of next week.

Today was another day filled with some soul-searching, for whatever reason I began catastrophizing about what my pay will be upon completion of my MSW degree.

I know that this is not good, as I should not be losing myself in thinking about the future - recently I have gotten much better at not doing that. In an effort to focus my mind I just want to write random rules and resolutions that I've made within my life, so that I may live for fully and more happily...

1) I am not interested in a direct practice social work career. If I do direct practice, it will be for a shorter period of time. Also, I could see myself doing direct practice within a certain context (for instance, a college or university setting).

2) I am not hiding my sexuality anymore. Professionally or personally. It is exhausting and takes too much of my precious energy.

3) DON'T WORRY ABOUT MONEY! IT WILL BE THERE!!!

Deciding to trust

decide - 1. To settle conclusively all contention or uncertainty about. 2. To make up one's mind. Talking to a friend the other night on the phone, I spoke to him about my current romantic situation which I am very happy with and a little anxious about. I think we all experience a little bit (or maybe a lot) of anxiety when it comes to choosing boyfriends, girlfriends, life partners, etc. We are sharing ourselves with another person - not just our body, but our mind, heart and spirit. However, prior to that sharing we have to make our minds up about whether this person deserves to be let "all the way in." As I was speaking with my friend, the following words rolled out of my mouth... "I have made a decision to trust him." I should offer the caveat that trusting another person with the aforementioned components of myself is not something I take lightly. But when we "decide to trust", we have taken all the evidence into account and made or minds p that this person is worth opening up for.

Flaws and all

I just read an article discussing the topic of loving ourselves wholeheartedly, this includes loving those things which we perceive to be our "flaws." I can identify with this, as I have often been hard on myself for some things.

Sensitivity - Throughout the years, I have been hard on myself about being "too sensitive" or "too kind" or "too nice" - and on more than several occasions, I've endured the condescending attitudes of others who've pointed out that I was "too nice." More often than not, I took it personally and began to see it as a weakness. But in truth, maybe it's high time that I viewed it as a strength!

In this world, where people do jobs they don't want to do, live in arrangements that don't really make them happy, etc. I think my sensitivity to all things actually PROTECTS me and SERVES ME in the interest of helping me to survive and to grow. It was my sensitivity and my intuition that helped me to see that I needed to remove myself from the Chicago life for a while - if not permanently, instead of denying that I was no longer enjoying myself there. It was my sensitivity and caring nature that reminded me of who I was when things got tough while living there - it didn't allow me to do work or be around people whose behavior I found abhorrent. If that sounds judgmental, so be it. But it's the truth of how I felt. I love my ability to tap into that side of myself, because it fuels my desire to see the world become a better place, it replenishes my creativity and it energizes me when I suffer from occasional bouts of a lack of motivation.
Actually, the more that I think about it - people often flippantly ask, "what can we do to make the world a better place?" I think one of the ingredients to improvement would certainly be sensitivity!! Not in a passive, "are you okay, are you feeling okay" kind of way, but being sensitive in the ways we relate to one another, taking the time to show respect and have compassion for one another - to ENJOY each other. Being sensitive, being nice, being kind is important - and this CAN be achieved without being perceived or treated like a doormat!Yes it can!

My Quarter-Life Crisis Pt. 1

I am a 28 year old male - and I have to say that the last 4 years or so of my life has been a whirlwind - sometimes great, filled with novelty, pleasure and grand experiences that any twentysomething would love to have, but also tough times- growing pains, setbacks, losing friends, re-locating, etc.

I read on another blog this evening about how great it is to get older, and the amount of self-confidence that comes with this process. I personally believe that a major contributor to that confidence is those "tough" experiences that prune us and make us stronger and more thick-skinned to the changing weather in our lives. On the phone with Mom the other day, I recall mentioning how I don't panic when something goes awry like I used to. Reason being, the challenges that I've encountered over the past four years has given me a sense of perspective - a point of reference to measure new situations against.

Another area in which I've really grown is in not feeling the need to go out so much. I've also been distancing myself from people who go out too much - and who I feel are no longer the kind of people I want in my life in general. Those who are "drinking their sorrows away", whether they acknowledge it or not. That was never my approach to dealing with problems, but it often seemed that it was so easy to just fall into that way of life - it always seemed like an easy way out, vis-a-vis working through problems in a healthy way. But even more generally, I don't feel the need to be on the scene - it's kind of a "been there done that" thing, I've done the tailgating, the bar, the clubs, going out to eat after a night out - I've done those things ad nauseam, and while it can be fun once in a while in the right company, I'd much rather spend the evening getting some good rest or enjoying the company of a significant other.

I sometimes worry about if getting my Masters will pay off - its such a "high class problem" to have isn't it?? This notion at times boggles me both financially, personally, and academically. I will have some loans to pay back, that is a given - but sometimes I wonder what is my starting pay going to look like? But you know what - it truly is pointless to worry about, because I learned in Chicago the importance of doing work that suits you rather than doing work that is constantly draining your spirit - which is actually the most important and vital currency one has. However, I don't down my previous work experiences, I think that they do look impressive and to be honest I really need to give myself more praise than what I do.

Over the past year, and especially since I've relocated, I think that I've really come into my own regarding sexuality. I feel that I am finally learning how to define myself not solely by my race/heritage, nor by my sexual orientation, but instead defining me by my own standards and values - and being much less concerned about how others are perceiving my actions.

What I once conceived of as being destined to a life of loneliness and marginalization has now become a life of freedom and feeling empowered, because of not defining myself using those narrow labels. I think that the more we follow our own PERSONAL principles, standards and values - using that inner locus to guide us, the more confidence we have in the face of any external influences or perceived influences placed on us by our "race" or whatever other group categorization which we fall under.

Home To Michigan

Soooo I am back in Chicago....

Shortly before the Amtrak train (390 Saluki) from Champaign to Chicago began backing into the Chicago trainyards into Union Station, I observed the long boulevards that had become so familiar to me while living in the city for the three-plus years. I felt my spirit rise, as if it was saying, "home" or at least - 'welcome back to the place which helped to grow you up.' Nonetheless, it was a pleasant reunion and I was happy to see that nothing had changed.

Now sitting in the Caribou Coffee next to Union Station overlooking the Chicago River, I am taking in the conversations of lawyers and businessmen and watching folks come in and socialize. It's a bright and sunny fall day in the Windy City.

I can't wait to get home to Lansing to relax for a few days - I love going out to eat with Mom, hanging around the house, playing with Dakota. Also looking forward to spending some time in Ann Arbor with Chelsea.

I have been pretty stressed lately with the GAship and studies, I think the most challenging aspect of the work are the demands on my time. I know that I can do it, but I just need to keep a good balance so that I do not become overwhelmed.

That said, I can't wait to get home to relax and so I don't HAVE to do anything!!!!

changes....

Recently I have begun to see that leaving Chicago was probably the best thing that I could have done for myself. I have also begun to see that I must prioritize what's important to me.

Right now my priorities are my graduate assistantship with Orchard Downs and my classes. Following those two things, my priorities are building a good base of healthy friendships with healthy people here in Champaign, and also to continue to sing and maintain my musical interests.

The term healthy to me implies that the individuals are on the right track...have healthy hobbies and healthy social lives - like "A." I am OH SO tired of the gay bar scene and the unnecessary dramas that come along with it. I intend to sort of pull away from that crowd - and am seeking friendships with balanced gay people. Folks who can spend time with staight folks, aren't in bars several nights a week and have more to talk about then their sexuality or relationship dramas.

I almost feel like the universe/God is showing me two paths intentionally right now, and allowing me to choose which I would prefer to walk - but also to not pass judgment on the path that I may choose to forgo. Recently "A" has really extended his hand in friendship by inviting me to things and vice versa, this has been really nice - because I sense no agenda from him at all other than companionship and this is a welcome change from the Chicago environment.

I would rather be a "competent loner", who is excelling professionally with peace of mind than to be surrounded with friends w/ bar drama, etc.

I am not a perfect man, I am reminded of this daily by mistakes I've made (with money recently), but I do know that I am determined to improve these habits. I hope that my friends and family will stick by me and continue to love and support me and just see that this is me still growing up a bit.

I am convinced that I am highly stressed, and that I need to have an action plan that helps me alleviate those stressors - that action plan definitely includes that list of PRIORITIES!!!

1)Graduate Assistantship
2) MSW Classes/Coursework
3) Healthy Social Life
4) Expressive outlets (Music/Writing)